40+ Funny Quotes

There is a lot of talent out in the world. A lot of it comes out as comedy. From professional comedians to everyday people with insane humor, here are some of the best funny quotes, lines, and jokes that you will find online.Oh! And a slight disclaimer, you don’t want your kids reading these so…yeah let’s get right to it!

Chris Rock:

That name has so many beautiful memories attached to it for us especially. One of the best to come on the standup comedy scene Chris Rock is no pushover.

Who knows?

A question most of us might ask ourselves after a fun night with our old friend tequila.

The sun is out:

For most this is going to be relatable and if it is not, then you are the ex they are probably talking about mate.

Mark Twain:

A rather dark side to wit but all true comedy stems from misfortune and misery. So in a way Mark Twain is just keeping it close to the roots.

Marilyn Monroe:

Now here is a woman that was not only a beautiful icon but was a talented individual as well as a very funny person.

Take the advice:

If you read this and felt offended, then you should take a minute and take it in…did you do it? Now after you’ve calmed down try to think why did you get upset over this excellent and lifesaving advice.

Awe so cute:

Such a nice couple, it’s almost like he was made for her…by her even…

Hide the kids:

See we gave a fair warning at the start, so don’t report us! Don’t…aww come on mate this is funny. Don’t be like that, lay off a bit will you?

Press B to blow:

Not gonna explain this one but I’m sure there are a few ladies out there that have a great laugh.


How about a lesion in both spelling and life? How’s that for you?


We’ve all been in that situation, haven’t we? To be fair, we should hand over our phones to our friends when we feel a drunk fest coming. That would help loads!

A smile:

Seeing someone fall isn’t something one would consider fun, but if it is the right person, it will put a smile on our face.

Me am smart:

By God, we are, honest! We just mess up from time to time cause it we’re tired and I can get it off.

Why is that?

Ever wondered why that is? Like why you need so many? It’s always like 50 this or 80 that…stupid logic.

Every time:

Third time’s the charm always, the stupid thing just won’t go in.


If we have to explain this than you shouldn’t be here in the first place kid. Move on and watch something more your age can comprehend.

And the crowd goes quiet:

Still not sure if we should’ve kept this one in or not…get it?

C is for cut:

Such a beautiful poem is it not? I think Bill Burr would approve.

And that is friendship:

If you never had this conversation, then you don’t have good friends. Go get news ones mate, you can do much better than that.

But the cub!

Oh ok, I won’t pet the lion cub any longer. Why are you people such pu**ies? Oh, the mom’s coming! Oh, she’ll eat you!Oh shit!!!!

21.Me in math class:

Sorry dad but I can’t do this no more. Boxes, cubes, cones just stop it! Please stop it maths. Find your won box!

Wink, wink:

Probably could have said wank but decided not to go that far into the puns.

Wet on wet:

At times you just have to say no. Sure it is expected that men would give it up but hey! Don’t stereotype ok.


Ah, poetry! Such a beautiful and angelic art. We love this art in particular when it is used to express such emotion.


That’s right, take control of your life, be more assertive. Don’t [Inserted: ,]let others decide your life.


We love all and so this individual. Such a loving soul they are.


We like it better to sleep in multiple positions. One position doesn’t do it for us. I mean who in their right mind won’t change their position?

Quite hard:

As writers, we too feel that it can be quite hard not to give in to our more playful literary tactics.


For any kid that might be reading this… ask your mother boy we are not telling you squat.

The truth:

Every student wants to say this, believe us we would love to yell this in the face of our teachers, but then again we would also love to [Inserted: ,]own a Mercedes but…you know…no money and all.

Well, it isn’t:

Tell us this, is she lying? Because if you can grow one, you really have to reconsider your stance mate.

How to survive:

If you want to know who to be successful, you need to master this art in the best possible conditions and fast.

Hmm? Excuse me?

We don’t know what meds he’s on but keep those things away from us thank you very much.


You won’t find this anywhere in the Oxford dictionary wink, wink.


No next time you go for a job make sure to update your CV to showcase your skills necessary for the task at hand.

The power of compassion:

A little kindness goes a long, long way.So have some for the people that you see around you.

Your welcome:

For all the people that can’t find a proper scale here is our scientific and highly accurate scaling of the sizes of the breasts.

Yeah, what a noob!

Please! We all know what that place is really for on the walking couch. It’s to keep your Mc-flurry while you eat your big-mac.


I do believe that there has been some serious miscommunication going on here with me and whoever is in charge of this place. There has been a lot of sh** that I did not sign up for. What the heck?


Be classy in everything you do, manners are everything, and you should be able to elevate yourself from the rest of the crowd.


Going back to that dark humor we see…don’t try this people you won’t like the interrogation.

She could’ve been:

It was quite close but hey what can you do right? Maybe next time?

Night great!

You can be on the good side…one sec…yeah we’re ok…what was we watching?

Prove us wrong?

We don’t make the rules we just look at those nice ladies that have those very informational training videos on YouTube.


It’s gotten so confusing lately…how the old days were simple. At least you knew what you would have in your mouth by the end of the night.

Bring it on!

It’ll only take about 5 shots to go from a 4 to a 10 doll! Oh, we’ve had how many already?…oh! Well, one more won’t hurt.


You know it takes so long to make such a connection like that. Cherish your bond, savor it.


We have a special place for puns in our hearts. And in particular, for those that are of this nature.

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